10 April 2008

I need a Dam break!

The road has been a rough one for many recently, so I thought a bit of humor might be in order. Don't know about you but I laughed my Dam ass off.

The Dam Notice


This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.
The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2008.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 11/25/07 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania ..
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2008? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

11 Comments:

Blogger Beth said...

That was dam funny (now you knew someone would say that!)

Thanx for the laugh!

4/11/2008 12:20:00 AM  
Blogger The Griper said...

real life can be funnier than cartoon life and here be the proof.

the funniest part is that the state has decided that it is enough of an expert on dam building to issue permits yet cannot ascertain the difference between a man made dam and a beaver made dam. lol

nice find, angel.

4/11/2008 04:01:00 AM  
Blogger Lista said...

Cute!

Interestingly, I've heard it somewhere before. I think I heard a pastor or some speaker somewhere that read these letters as part of his speech. I forgot about the bears defecating in the woods, though. When I read that, I really laughed.

4/13/2008 08:25:00 PM  
Blogger Fallen' Angel said...

I'd heard it too, somewhere, Lista, but like you, not the part about the bears. When I found the whole thing online again, I couldn't resist posting it. I needed the laugh if no one else did. Glad you got a giggle out of it too. ;)

4/13/2008 10:24:00 PM  
Blogger Average American said...

Hi Angel! The dam beaver debate continues. I received this story a few years ago in my email. It was just as funny this time around. Thank you for the laughter. I'm on the motels computer right now. Got to get to bed soon though. Working 7 days a week, 12 hours a day!! Making the rounds real quick and then its beddy bye time for this ole geezer!

Joe

4/14/2008 01:54:00 AM  
Blogger Fallen' Angel said...

Ugh! Seven 12's in a row! You take care Joe. That's why I prefer 24 hour shifts over those dam 12's! ;)

4/14/2008 05:59:00 AM  
Blogger The Griper said...

if that be a true story tho, wonder what the outcome was?

4/15/2008 02:52:00 AM  
Blogger Fallen' Angel said...

I'll see if I can do a litte research on that and let you all know what I find.
Angel Out

4/17/2008 04:22:00 AM  
Blogger Lista said...

Hi Angel,

I've been thinking about you a little, at least in part because I realized that you enjoyed my last allegory so much and well, I posted another "Word Picture" a couple of days ago. I think this one is easier because they've basically figured it out already. I'm going do another post tomorrow.

4/30/2008 12:20:00 AM  
Blogger Fallen' Angel said...

Lista, I did indeed enjoy it and will be at your blog reading those new posts with bells on!

4/30/2008 05:02:00 AM  
Blogger Lista said...

Thanks, Angel. You are so sweet!

Lista Out

4/30/2008 09:53:00 AM  

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