Time for a new list!

I've mentioned some of the lists I've made over the years in previous posts, and now it seems the time has come for a new one.

We shall call this one: THINGS I LONG TO SAY!

It's a little different from lists of the past. Instead of documenting the insanely stupid things people have said to me, I am now making a running collection of my dream responses.
(Most of them wishful thinking, but not all...not yet.)
This desire was prompted by the complete strangers who have approached me recently (since the oven incident) in grocery stores, parking lots, gas stations...even a day care center, and without so much as a "Hello," asked me some variation of the following question:
"What the F*** happened to your FACE?"
(Forgive the colorful language - unfortunately it was the most commonly used word by these *compassionate* folks.)
Here are some of my choices so far and although I've been too polite (or more likely too shocked) to use any of them, I may try a few if this goes on much longer.

1. It was supposed to be a FIVE second fuse!

2. Spontaneous human combustion IS real! They study it in Area 51! Go Google it and see!

3. Damn Flame Throwers - Those should be banned from Paint Ball!

4. The NSA didn't like what I said on the phone...so they detonated it. Really! Go Google it and see!

5. I was hoping to get on Extreme Makeover but I might have overdone it.

6. I never was a fan of The Colonel's Original Recipe - I'm more of an Extra Crispy kind of gal.

7. If you've got a few minutes, I'll be happy to show you step by step so you can do it too!

As I said, this is a working list so I welcome any little sarcastic gems you folks would like to add.
(And I know some of you have some GOOD ones!)